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August 28, 2012

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BorowitzReport: Half a billion dollars have been spent on campaign ads so far. It’s a good thing our schools and roads are in great shape or I’d be mad.

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August 26, 2012

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ByronTau: Seriously, NBC has “Astronaut Neil Young” up as a headline http://t.co/hhcAdH4t

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August 24, 2012

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lancearmstrong: Thanks to all the amazing @livestrong supporters worldwide. Donations today were UP 25x over yesterdays. Thank you thank you thank you!

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August 21, 2012

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Kyle_Lippert: Still pissed off that Jurassic Park wasn’t a documentary.

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August 19, 2012

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rickygervais: A Christian telling an atheist he is going to Hell is about as scary as a small child telling an adult they wont get any presents from Santa

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August 18, 2012

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andrewducker: I am amused to discover that “Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan” is an anagram of “My Ultimate Ayn Rand Porn”.

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rstevens: Water is coffee with javascript turned off.

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August 16, 2012

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paulocoelho: “Google before you tweet” is the new “think before you speak”

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Margoandhow: One of the Fox blondes couldn’t bring herself to say “sperm,” so she called it “baby juice.” This is a news organization? This is revolting.

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August 15, 2012

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Chrissymacc: Alot of people don’t understand how 3,000 years of Olympics could have happened. I fear for the future of our race. http://t.co/MqDE8d4F

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August 14, 2012

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sacca: Right now, somewhere out there, someone is about to Reply All just to say “+1”. Inbox terrorism must be stopped.

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August 5, 2012

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IsCool: In one year, GUNS murdered
35 in Australia,
39 in England and Wales,
194 in Germany,
200 in Canada, and
9,484 in the United States.

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July 20, 2012

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PhoebeWedding: At a London children’s hospital, window cleaners dress like this. They are awesome. http://t.co/NPRReurS

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July 19, 2012

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justcreative: Wow, this snap really sums up the storm over #NYC. Taken from a plane out at LGA. http://t.co/rAJzz4d9

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July 18, 2012

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dakami: “The real problem of humanity is the following: we have paleolithic emotions; medieval institutions; and god-like technology” EO Wilson

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July 17, 2012

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marissamayer: I’m incredibly excited to start my new role at Yahoo! tomorrow: http://t.co/YfwdH07h

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July 16, 2012

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BorowitzReport: This is a gorgeous day to go outside and look at your phone.

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Chinese Workers Hail Romney’s Record as Job Creator via @BorowitzReport http://t.co/4GluHoqE #ChinaLovesRomney #Romnealities #twtotd

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July 12, 2012

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kevinweil: Billion dollar brands teasing each other about taglines: #onlyontwitter http://t.co/t33Ui2lT

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July 11, 2012

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billmaher: Americans believing in climate change again – becuz science? No, they’re hot. Like believing in pit bulls only cuz YOU got bit on the ass

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kady: “What do we want?” “SCIENCE!” “When do we want it?” “AFTER PEER REVIEW!” Not. Making. This. Up. #rally

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July 10, 2012

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paulg: Uber is so obviously a good thing that you can measure how corrupt cities are by how hard they try to suppress it.

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Obama2012: President Obama: “I’ve cut taxes every year that I’ve been President by $3,600 for the typical middle-class family.”

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BarackObama: Don’t disappoint @AzizAnsari: http://t.co/YMAFh5nr

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sacca: Pizza Guy: Nice house. What do you do for a living? Me: I’m housesitting. NPG: What’s the owner do? Me: Owns a housesitting business.

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FAKEGRIMLOCK: SUCCESS NOT PLACE YOU ARRIVE. IT TRAIL YOU LEAVE BEHIND. #BEONFIRE

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July 4, 2012

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chanian: No matter what happens, sharing this experience realtime has been as incredible as playing it. I owe it all to Twitter http://t.co/JgpbBCN4

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July 2, 2012

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MikeTyson: .@holyfield’s ear would’ve been much better with his new BBQ sauce. check it out http://t.co/e5Gp3RUs #TGIF

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June 30, 2012

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MikeTyson: .@holyfield’s ear would’ve been much better with his new BBQ sauce. check it out http://t.co/e5Gp3RUs #TGIF

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June 29, 2012

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Mike_FTW: Don’t be TOO sad, Republicans. You still have your wars on women, immigrants and religious freedom. Those are going well.

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berberich: Upset about today’s SCOTUS decision? Want to leave the U.S.? Here’s a list of other industrialized countries without universal healthcare:

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DragonflyJonez: Nigga you said you could see Russia from your backyard. RT @SarahPalinUSA: Obama lied to the American people. Again.

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anildash: #SCOTUS Liveblog: “And today, we proudly announce: Health Care. For everyone. Boom. Nobody’s ever done this before. Except most countries.”

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June 28, 2012

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louisck: well. after 45 hours, my tour has sold 100K tickets, box office gross of 4.5 mil $ (not all mine). I guess it was a good idea.

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June 26, 2012

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davepell: I just caught my wife in bed with a hologram version of me.

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June 23, 2012

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CyclingCanada: #canroadchamps is TRENDING ON TWITTER – AGAIN

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June 22, 2012

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StephenAtHome: It’s the first day of summer! Only 499 to go until I get over Zooey Deschanel.

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June 16, 2012

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brookepietsch: MC Yammer #FailedTechBands

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HannahHarland: The Black IPs #FailedTechBands

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pocovicio: The USB Gees #FailedTechBands

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