August 26, 2010
fundrummerchick: One shitty thing about a new phone? You have to teach it to curse ALL OVER again.. Just like a 3 year old. permalink
August 25, 2010
UncleDynamite: M&M’s, your shocking quest to jam things other than chocolate or peanuts inside M&M’s is a perversion of flavor. It’s 7-11, not Iron Chef. permalink
GaryDelaney: Fun idea: Not got kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is. permalink
August 24, 2010
JerryThomas: Some guy tried to hold me up with finger guns, but I disarmed him with air quotes. permalink
August 23, 2010
therealcherilyn: i think i’ll skip tuesday. it’s totally possible. i have drugs. permalink
ECNewlin: i’m going to be here in the earnhart dodge lounge surrounded by wallpaper horses and bales of hay supporting custom tires until i die. permalink
bliccy: Writing a highly-stylized TV series about my generation and how we drink too much and are apathetic assholes. Working title: "Mad Meh." permalink
adtothebone: Healthy Choice promised that my lunch would be zesty.
Tastes like shenanigans to me. permalink
tammyphinney: Calling your Ex names publicly is a bit like pissing down your leg, it makes you feel hot, but everyone else is actually laughing at you. permalink
StephenAtHome: I finally found a word that rhymes with orange! Orangutan! The "utan" is silent. permalink
floydnorman: My daughter was born when I was animating on Sesame Street. Her child later watched my animation. permalink
princessleah7x: Cc @livejamie RT @JohnJohnnyyJohn: I see you driving round town with the girl I love and I’m like, "fuck you" ooo ooo ooo permalink
emmyinabox: I’d tell Delta to go straight to hell, but they would have a two hour layover in Atlanta anyways. permalink
August 21, 2010
ange_black: Church missionary: Are you sure you have meaning in your life? Me: I’m eating fries in a Canadian Tire parking lot. So yeah. I’m sure. permalink
August 20, 2010
MrBigFists: Duct tape: $5. Garbage bags: $6. Shovel: $30. The look on the bagger girl’s face when you ask for help out to the car? Priceless. permalink
JerryThomas: I shot a man in Reno. Force of habit, I guess. permalink
Kalli: @livejamie 1 in 5 tweeters think I’m offensive so, yeah, this is obviously fucking bullshit. permalink
joeschmitt: I’m not OCD; I’m just the only one willing to check if the front door has come unlocked by itself every 20 seconds. permalink
thejohnblog: Mel Gibson spends 7 million a year in "living expenses." Man! Can you imagine the thread count in those clansmen sheets? permalink
ckwinny: I share a birthday with Ira Glass AND Tone Loc. Quick: Who’s oldest? permalink
RexHuppke: Oh, great. A new study finds that 31 percent of Republicans think I’m a Muslim too. permalink
everydaydude: This new King James version of The Bible replaces every mention of God with LeBron and notes he signed with the Miami Heathens. What a dick. permalink
badbanana: I don’t mean to sound like an old man in regards to geolocation apps, but Barney Miller never needed them. permalink
Adrianchen: Important foreign affairs news: North Korea has only 65 friends on Facebook and is gay. http://gawker.com/5617946 permalink
benmarvin: I plan on getting so drunk this weekend I forget about Dr Dre, 9/11, and The Alamo. permalink
August 19, 2010
BestAt: RT @juskewitch: I have the typing skills of a spectacularly drunk lobster. permalink
biorhythmist: Clothes make the manatee. permalink
ChiNurse: For those of you not on tumblr please know my dog pooped today. permalink
biorhythmist: As typos go, "chicken wangs" is right up there. permalink
brittneyg: My friend works at a rehab facility where there is a campus dog. His name is Relapse. This never stops being funny. permalink
joeschmitt: BREAKING: Brett Favre to announce he’s taking over Dr. Laura’s timeslot on Larry King tonight. Stay tuned. permalink
badbanana: Whatever, landscape. Oil painting or it didn’t happen. permalink
Braunger: I apologize to the staff of Office Depot, but when "We Can’t Be Beaten" by Rose Tattoo comes on my ipod, I must throw a desk. permalink
abigvictory: I was just told by my manager that I need to "chill out or go smoke a doob." So, anyone holding? permalink
thedayhascome: Facebook introduced its location-sharing program. So the next time I "poke" you, it will be from under your bed. permalink
DadsUpLate: So I just tried this "exercising" I keep hearing about. The chest pain means it’s working, right? permalink
brittneyg: Oh, Sade. You vixen. permalink
elbeard: Clearly, this little bitch doesn’t realize he’s speaking to a Level 43 Mage. permalink
jane_bot: "Sorry. I couldn’t hear you over the noise of my heartbeat." permalink
